“Being nice” is commonly thought to be a good thing, and generally I agree…BUT being nice can sabotage who you are because it is so pleasant, so easy to get along with, so NICE!!!

So why do I say “being nice” is a curse?  Because if you’re “being nice” without actually thinking about whether this is an appropriate attitude in any given circumstance, then it is a curse that you have put on yourself!

Ways “being nice” is harmful at work:

• It’s a pleasant way to mask  dishonesty or withholding
• It keeps leaders in the dark about what’s going on around them
• It obstructs necessary feedback, so problems can’t be addressed
• It calms the possibility of conflict
• It poses as acceptance of an unacceptable situation

Here’s a story to help demonstrate just what I’m talking about:

One of my clients was making a sales presentation and the prospective buyer was really being obnoxious and making demands that were unreasonable…she used to be nice…but we discussed the curse of being nice.  You can “be nice” by wimping out and avoid making a counter-offer, or you can “be nice” and agree to the terms and wait until your boss refuses to accept them, or you can “be nice” and just smile prettily and wait out the discomfort.  You get the idea…”being nice” means taking a passive stance when really you might be furious at being verbally abused, or shamed because you’re not defending your position or the benefits of your product or service, or you’re so uncomfortable that feelings or unworthiness begin to surface.  You may or may not get the business, but at what cost?  My client learned how to negotiate on her own behalf, choose the clients she wanted to work with, and if she didn’t get the project, she learned to accept that this was only an indicator to find another great client who would not only pay, but be wonderful to work with!

Here’s another story:

A marketing manager was given an assignment that was supposed to be a really juicy project, but she knew it to be a waste of time and energy based on her expertise.  She knew how it could be better, but past experience has shown that suggestions were not welcome.  In her previous job, my client was “nice” and accepted the assignment while expressing gratitude and promised it would come out well and on time.  She did not want to repeat this pattern in her new job, so we worked on her seeing that “being nice” in this instance was being passive, but it’s also a way to erode self-worth.  She realized that she was not only putting her honesty aside, but she was not contributing her talents and skills to her best advantage.  It’s easy to sell yourself out for job security.  OK, be nice!

And one more:

A business owner sees one of his best employees start to make mistakes, be on the telephone a lot more than usual, and seems generally unfocussed and distant.  He wants to “be nice” and not add any stress….he is  nice, and wants to believe that if there’s a problem, it will be brought up to him…he is nice because he doesn’t want to rock the boat with such an important person in his company and provoke an emotional scene or risk losing this person.  “Being nice” in this scenario confuses “being kind” with “being nice”…if there’s something wrong, personally or professionally, avoiding getting it out in the open only puts your business at risk, as mistakes can be made or new standards for behavior are inadvertently set.  And you may be losing a valued employee, when using your authority to address this issue may correct a wrong, exhibit your caring nature,  solve a problem, etc.  This business owner learned how to design a conversation that brought his concern out in the open, giving his employee the opportunity to share her distress and get to solution…much better for all involved.  That’s being a leader!

In each scenario, “being nice” may undermine your effectiveness, and add to your stress.

The antidote to being nice is being honest, and choosing an approach that is authentic and builds self-esteem – remember:  to build self-esteem, DO esteemable things.

Always start with your truth.   Then find the courage to speak your truth, appropriately, respectfully, compassionately.  And there are ways, believe me!  But this takes preparation, practice, and more practice, but it’s worth it!

You’ll actually open up lines of communication that build relationship, and your success and well-being depends on your relationships with others.  You’ll have the opportunity to influence other people…actually influence outcomes, and be a contribution in an authentic way.

If your communication is not welcomed, or even rejected, then you have a choice:  “be nice” and be conciliatory, or reassess the situation you’re in and figure out if it’s worth the price you’re paying, or the security you’re getting, or the circumstances you’re tolerating.

Being nice has its place…but make sure “nice” is good for you!

Coaching Reflections

These questions are prompts designed to help you make distinctions between "being nice" and alternate behaviors to achieve greater influence and self-esteem.

• When are you most likely to "be nice" at work?
• What are you avoiding when you choose to "be nice"?
• What are your beliefs about "being nice"? This may be vastly different for men and women.
• What other behaviors and communication tools might you employ if you weren’t "being nice"?
• With whom might you discuss your options? Who are your mentors or in your network of support? Are you cultivating those relationships? Or are you "being nice"?
• What do you need to change in yourself to be more honest in your communications?
• What do you need to let go of in order to make your pursuit more meaningful?
• Review your answers – see if your self-worth and self-respect is worth the time and energy to cultivate your authentic leadership skills. If the answer is "yes," and you need help, please call me!